Wednesday, November 07, 2007 ; 11:45 AMY
i am lost in you
i don't know what's going wrong with me. this year's been really bad.
to summarize it, i failed at everything i've given a shot at.
I've failed....
1) my ballet exam (mind you, i love dance and i still failed)
2) my piano exam
3) my driving TP test
4) to prove that i can jolly well stand on my own two feet at this age.
5) to be responsible enough
6) to buck up
7) to live up to my own expectatons
8) to make my parents proud of me
9) to be proud of myself
10) to do well in the A levels (yes, i thought i was past that, but it seems like i still regret every
thing about it... how i didn't work hard enough and how everything would have been
different if i just did well enough.)
i'm aware that there's no use crying over spilt milk. but why do i still feel like so much of a failure. oh yea, i've got 10 perfectly good reasons. i couldn't get anything right this year, absoutely nothing.......maybe its because i didn't try hard enough? are these just excuses? i just haven't been able to do something well in a very long time. its not easy facing failures after failures. i'm not sure of what i'm doing wrong though. take for example, 2 years of studying for the piano exam and a failure because i was freaking nervous on that very day? tripping on notes that i'd done so well in before? was it bad luck? was i just bloody unprepared? was it nervousness? are these just excuses rather than reasons since i had 2 years to brush up on everything whilst others took 6 months? i don't know what happened to me. i'm really feeling sucky... a whole year of failure in everything.... its not easy to swallow. and yet, i can't seem to be able to pull myself out of this dirt hole. i'm letting everyone down..... most of all, i'm letting myself down. its the worst feeling ever....its like getting stabbed over and over before i can even recover from the last one. perhaps all of this is because of my own doing... after all, i'm the one who took all those exams, whatever i did within that time frame was up to me... hah... its funny when you realise that you've caused your own failure in life. its like i've dug my own grave. why is it so hard to just accomplish something for once... to do it well and be proud that I'VE done it.. the feeling that it's because of my own ability, the results of my own efforts that got me this far. i miss that feeling. i need to focus....FOCUS DAMN IT!