x September 2005
x October 2005
x November 2005
x January 2007
x February 2007
x March 2007
x April 2007
x May 2007
x June 2007
x July 2007
x August 2007
x September 2007
x October 2007
x November 2007
x December 2007
x January 2008
x February 2008
x March 2008
x April 2008
x May 2008
x June 2008
x July 2008
x August 2008
x September 2008
x October 2008
x November 2008
x December 2008

ok... so i didn't really see the riots going on while i was there, but there sure as hell were riots cause we were told to stay within the hotel on our first day there... sucks... but it was ok i guess, since we were all tired from the long drive up. hmmmm... so i'm back :) missed everyone here... especially my baby boy. 3 days may seem pretty short, but its darn long to us :P right? haha..ok... anyways, managed to get all my dance stuff over there cause it was pretty cheap :)

therefore, to min and john : lol... guess i'll think of another christmas pressie!!!!whahahaha... u two ain't gonna get away that easy.. :P

hmmmm... since i'm rather lazy to start typing out the events for all three days, i'll just summarize :) so basically it was just "shop till you drop"... doesn't matter if i went there like only a few months back.... we still shopped... even if it meant walking around the same area. hah! accomplished quite alot though.. lol... see? its a girl thing... haha, or maybe just an excuse. i practically screened every shop thoroughly this time around. took us a whole day to finish up that 10 storey mall and another whole day to finish another mall even bigger than that. lol.. so yup, lots of walking, not to mention lots of eating too... depressing as hell cause its kinda hard to resist such abundant amounts of food in front of me.. :P i'll work it off twice as hard!!!!!!!! time to go on an exercise rampage. lol... yes, i'm bloody weight conscious... or rather, just not satisfied with the way i am yet... lol..well, i'll get there. lol. as for now, i'm gonna get some rest. exhausted......

updates!!!!! :P lol.. because i've got a new bed :) haha.. yes, i'm easily satisfied... its bigger than my old bed after all, how can i not be happy? haha... hmmmmm.... my dear monkey boy's starting school soon too... congrats :) i'm so proud of you!!!! *muacks*

dance tomorrow from 11am till 2pm and then a movie outing with dion and gang. yup yup....going to m'sia on sunday..... wohoo!!! yes yes, its just m'sia... but at least its somewhere. i need a vacation... lalalala.. looks like i'm gonna be really occupied... :P

ahhhh!!! hahaha! updates...well, i think that i'm still not at the level that i'm aiming for cause there's still something that the rest of them have and that i don't... hmmm... just can't seem to get that in me... :) its ok... i'll just try harder... yup yup... safy!!!! train harder in everything! lol...aight..i know that my post is super random... but i just felt like blogging about something. :)

watched stardust today. it was a pretty good show, in my opinion at least. met with john after school, or after lunch with sze and min rather. had macs... well, i swear i'm eating too much of fatty and heaty food lately because i've got a huge ulcer and the worst part is that i keep biting into it cause its swollen. haiz. see? like i said, nothing's going right.

econs lest tomorrow... hope i'll be able to do it well.. i just wanna start off well in university, i've made too many mistakes in the past...shall do my best tomorrow even though its just a test :)
well then, i guess i'm off to watch some tv..





p.s. , to you and only you:

this is why it has always been hard for me to tell you these things truthfully.
its not that i wanna put you down.
i mean, why would i?
its not like i want the impossible.
none of this has anything to do with me.
i'm saying it for your sake.
why can't you see?
i'm afraid of how you'll take it, and thats why i could never talk to you properly about it.
this was the exact reaction i was hoping not to get.
its all for you though... your sake.
can you even rely on yourself now? only you can answer that.
can you trust that you'll be fine at this rate?
its not all about "living for the moment" now, as you used to say.. remember?
you've done alot for me.
i'm sorry if you don't see it the way i do, but this is my way of doing something good for you for once.
i don't expect you to understand this now though.
but i do hope that one day you will and that one day you'll know why i say these things.
i'll just stop here cause i've said all i could.
its up to you really.
i don't wanna be a nag...seriously.
take it as you will.
its just that... perhaps, all i ever wanted was the best for you...

i don't know what's going wrong with me. this year's been really bad.
to summarize it, i failed at everything i've given a shot at.

I've failed....
1) my ballet exam (mind you, i love dance and i still failed)
2) my piano exam
3) my driving TP test
4) to prove that i can jolly well stand on my own two feet at this age.
5) to be responsible enough
6) to buck up
7) to live up to my own expectatons
8) to make my parents proud of me
9) to be proud of myself
10) to do well in the A levels (yes, i thought i was past that, but it seems like i still regret every
thing about it... how i didn't work hard enough and how everything would have been
different if i just did well enough.)


i'm aware that there's no use crying over spilt milk. but why do i still feel like so much of a failure. oh yea, i've got 10 perfectly good reasons. i couldn't get anything right this year, absoutely nothing.......maybe its because i didn't try hard enough? are these just excuses? i just haven't been able to do something well in a very long time. its not easy facing failures after failures. i'm not sure of what i'm doing wrong though. take for example, 2 years of studying for the piano exam and a failure because i was freaking nervous on that very day? tripping on notes that i'd done so well in before? was it bad luck? was i just bloody unprepared? was it nervousness? are these just excuses rather than reasons since i had 2 years to brush up on everything whilst others took 6 months? i don't know what happened to me. i'm really feeling sucky... a whole year of failure in everything.... its not easy to swallow. and yet, i can't seem to be able to pull myself out of this dirt hole. i'm letting everyone down..... most of all, i'm letting myself down. its the worst feeling ever....its like getting stabbed over and over before i can even recover from the last one. perhaps all of this is because of my own doing... after all, i'm the one who took all those exams, whatever i did within that time frame was up to me... hah... its funny when you realise that you've caused your own failure in life. its like i've dug my own grave. why is it so hard to just accomplish something for once... to do it well and be proud that I'VE done it.. the feeling that it's because of my own ability, the results of my own efforts that got me this far. i miss that feeling. i need to focus....FOCUS DAMN IT!

yup, was just reflecting on the past few years and even now. i guess i can't help but wonder why....

1) why i never seem good enough?
2) why everyone still thinks i'm filthy rich..it has gotta stop someday when they finally take a
step back to see the whole picture.
3) why is it that no matter how hard i try, i don't get to have those experiences that i
crave for so badly.
4) why is it that i can never excel in something PROPERLY...and not drop halfway.
5) why is it that i'm always in the background..and if i might add, STUCK THERE.


damn, this like applies to every aspect in my life. it has always been this way. why can't anyone see. i know this really sounds like i'm having some self sympathy kind of issues going on. it doesn't have anything to do with that really. i'm trying, i really am. its just that... sometimes, i wanna be told that i'm good.. not just average... not just always at that borderline mark. i'm sick of it. i know i can do it, i know i can improve... but it seems like no matter how much i do, i always feel rather inferior in a way. others simply walk in and get everything, they just become a "somebody"(well, i don't know how else to put it). maybe i'm just being overly conscious about this. This may sound like some kinda attention-seeking/selfish comment but, i guess sometimes i want the spotlight too. its just me, my goal, its something i set my sights on. after all, everyone has something they want. its not that i want it all the time, is it wrong to want to feel what it's like? some people walk in and they just have it. the X factor that makes everyone respect them, or whatever you may call it. they get looked up upon at least. going by day after day and not being acknowledged at all for what you can give or what you've done. it really does suck to be over-looked all the time..........


arg! ok...there! a very very selfish post. but i've just been feeling this way for awhile now. just had to bitch about it...hah! my seemingly over-attention seeking post... well, i don't really mind about what others may think of it since i'm used to people judging me without taking a second look. it is human nature after all...

<
Safy.
fishay!!
squirrel?
5th April '88.
Aries.
Bball.
dance.
blur queen.
sucker for chocolates :p .