Wednesday, May 09, 2007 ; 10:07 PMY
i am lost in you
just came back from dance practice despite me coughing my lungs out... don't know why i've come down with such a bad cough again. oh well, dance dance dance! i need to dance to let everything out i guess... followed by a cold shower to clear my mind. it feels really good to do that, except for the fact that i'm sick so yea.
since this is kinda like a diary,i've gotta spill some stuff.can't take it anymore.no offence or anything... i just need to do this. i'm just feeling really shitty today.i've said this before,
maybe i don't deserve any of this.
i guess deep down i know i don't.
i know i'm being selfish.yet, i can't do anything about it.i guess this is what becomes of a person who's too stubborn to change. it sucks to always be in the wrong.yet i tell myself that i'll be better next time, i'll do better.but, i never do. it just gets worst.it seems like i just keep failing at everything.the only thing i seem to do well in is watching everyone get better.at times like this, i feel i'm the not one who'll make you happy.you seem happier elsewhere..arn't you?i can see it.i've seen it many times before and even now.the difference.the thing is, i can't seem to let you go.does that count as being selfish?you're the only one i can count on.does that count as being over-dependent?you're everything to me.what we have is so precious to me.its so precious that it makes me so angry at times for some reason.i guess its because i feel that someday i won't have that precious thing anymore,because i feel like something or someone will take that from me.is that being over-protective and too sceptical?funny thing is, i know i don't deserve it in the first place, after all i've done.there's so many things that are precious to you that i can't even accept.you've done nothing wrong.all you've done is accept me and all my flaws.and what do i do in return?make things even harder for you by not accepting something thats so important to you.i know whats important to you.i know what means the world to you.and yet, i can't bring myself to terms with it.i can't make myself accept them.its not as bad as when it first started i assure you.i've understood abit and accepted that bit.but, there's still that major part.i'm weird, but i feel it'll come between us one day.you've never done this to me though. never! not once.am i really cut out for you? i feel like such a selfish person. what am i doing?perhaps all i give you is stress.i don't know why. or do i?perhaps its my attitude.its just pushes everyone away.well, that explains it i suppose.am i a good friend?thanks to those who are always with me. love you guys.sticking by me despite me being like this.anyway, now i know why those things in the past happened.now i know why you say those things.the weird thing is,it hurts, though its clearly my fault.safy, what have you become?there. i've said my due. i've bitched my heart out.
but i don't feel much better though. haiz...