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will i ever be able to achieve my dream?
am i never good enough?
they say you're good. but you just don't cut it.
what does it take to live that dream?
maybe i was never meant to experience it.
but still, i yearn for it even more.
all i get are failures.
maybe they're signs.
or maybe in another way,
its like someone kicking you in the ass,
telling you to buck up.
i think its the former.
the latter just seems really ridiculous after everything.
just once.....
i wanna experience it... just once. is that too much?
or like i said.. maybe i'm just never good enough.




on the brighter side of things, i got the role that i auditioned for in media corp today. as in, yes, selected for the role.even i'm shocked. apparently i do look bitchy enough. hah!
but i guess its good. at least SOME things are still in my favour.
my feet hurt. thats the last ime i'm dancing barefooted...
well, if i do, the floor's gonna have to be clean.
the balls of my feet hurt cause of the repeated turns.
it was like so damn dirty and black earlier...disgusting.
feels good to finally have a bath. love this feeling man, so fresh.. :)
oh yea, and i love pancakes. she's so adorable. :) such a lil baby... awwwww :P
jewie and dutchess have a new friend :) nono, wait, they have a new sister :) haha!

i HAD a bunny, his name was tabby.he was wild as hell.
he was fierce and bit everyone in sight.
he made me afraid of bunnys and hamsters
cause they can bite you anytime with those sharp lil teeth of theirs.
well, they were still cute to me...all animals are.
NOW......
WE have a bunny. her name is PANCAKES :)
she's sweeter than sugar i swear.
she's so gentle and playful.
she makes friends fast... just ask jewels.(thats my other baby)
she's still getting used to her environment though :)
she's our baby girl.
we're gonna pamper her, no doubt.
its like love at first sight. can't bear to put that sweet lil thing down.
the size of a palm. she's just so adorable.
hugs and kisses to PANCAKES and my baby!

OUR day out today :) happy HAPPY day!!!...yes yes :) pen and bao came over in the morning..so we only left the house at around 12.30? yea...around there.. it was alright..not that late.. dropped by the S.P.C.A first... reason? baby and i are gonna get our very own pet :) as in OURS.. yes yes.. :) we're gonna get a pet. lol.. and a BUNNY to be exact..well, or maybe a chinchilla.. :p well, its partly for his birthday pressie too.... hmmmm..can't help but to think.. its really sad, i mean, going to the S.P.C.A and looking at all the poor animals that were abandoned in one way or another... its like, they just sit there feeling unwanted and watch people walk past everyday from their confined cages, without a proper home.erm, think of it as going to jail for a long time when you've done nothing wrong.haiz..its really sad...haiz.... well, anyways, gonna get a dwarf rabbit... its damn cute.. its like some fluff ball. instand love at first sight.. lol..take it from an animal lover...actually, all the furry lil things are adorable to me. lol. but chinchillas need alot of maintainence... and we'll be broke after we buy that one.. maybe we'll stick to a rabbit.. although the chinchilla is damn cute.. sobs... won't one just drop from the sky for us???? F.O.C :) going nuts here..lol..i think the tiredness is getting to me.schedual's been so hectic these few days... but today is THE day to relax :) so we scouted around for potential pancakes :) pancakes is what we plan to name the lil bunny :) pancakes pancakes!!! lalalalalalala.... yummy name :) went to vivo to catch a movie too... TMNT!!! our childhood show.. hah! we're deprived. finished the movie at around 5 plus then we walked around abit more..shopped for bunnys and clothes.. and i'm partially glad to declare that..... although we didn't find our pancakes, i got me two new tops from forever 21. damn happy cause i'm sick and tired of the same old fashion..so i decided to add a lil more spice to my wardrobe. lol. baby wanted to get his super skinny jeans ..but they didn't have the ones with the length he wanted at topman, so guess we'll be getting that tomorrow at orchard... together with those darn leggings that i have to get for the musical too. when you want something, its so darn hard to find and when you don't , its staring you in the face.....sigh...

headed down to gardens after that to look for more bunnys..but sadly, we didn't find one we really wanted... we even came across bunnys that were free of charge... they were kinda abandoned..its really sad.. those bastards that abandoned the poor defenseless darlings ought to die. ARG! so much of cruelty around... fuckers. anyway, we had dinner in gardens.. ate at ICE³..i love that place..its like gonna be my official hangout from now on. lol. i absolutely love the food there :) and my personal favourite..*drum roll* ...but of course the mozerella cheese stix! OMG!!! HEAVEN!!! lol..cheese fries too!!! mmmmmmmmmmm.......ice cream's good too! yup yup...love that place. :p..

well, guess thats it for the day ....orchard tomorrow to complete the shopping. damn tired today.. ciao!

alright! i'm gonna have to update for the past 2 days cause i was too damn lazy to come online. :) here goes...

Monday:
baby's birthday and we had a bbq planned. invited a few people to come celebrate his birthday. had the usual..sausages, prawns, meat, potatoes which were damn hard to bbq, corn, chicken, marshmellows, chips, drinks, satay and of course the birthday cake. OREO CHEESE CAKE! yummy..it was kinda nice. but the balance kinda went on him so yea, literally. the oreo cheese cake came and went just like that. and since we totally forgot bout the satay sauce when we were eating the satay, we decided to....... pour it all on john :) sorry baby. after all, birthday boys are given "SPECIAL" treatments all the time :) just no beat ups this time around eh? heh heh. he got thrown into the pool straight after btw and but of course, the guard had to go all bitchy on us. haha. too late though.... yup..chit chats and all... just hope he had a good time that night, though it didn't really turn out to be anything spectacular. at least most of the people turned up :) thanks guys,really. :):) all in all, a hectic day...


Tuesday:
woke up, rushed with the piano and then rushed to get ready for the ballet exam. darn it all, i swear i can't clip up all my fringe.. its been a long while since i tied my hair like that. pins everywhere, ahhh!! headache. had to tie the bun, which wasn't such a biggy. just the damn fringe that was damn annoying. took quite awhile just trying to pin it all up.. u know, the feeling of, you'd pin one side up, and the other side drops?..... wth...oh well, but i made it to the place in time :) dad fetched me.. omg! i swear i freaked out during the exam cause i was in front. the examiner was like staring at me most of the time. think i screwed up abit.. froze.. how amature can i get...haiz... and there we were holding the same position for god knows how long... my feet were killing me the whole of yesterday, and just because of that 1.5 hours of exam. it was seriously really tiring... never knew it would be like that. hope the result turns out ok man... time to start praying... :)



UAN dance training later.. haiz..i'm so tired..both mentally and physically..i think i'm gonna be sick :(

FUCKING FUCKED UP! ok..that doesn't even begin to bloody well describe today. hell yea, i'm pissed.

so this is how the day went, woke up, ok, everything's still peachy. went for ballet, came home, went out again(note: mother leaves house together for her own outing) ....

spent the day with john and penny.. was quite fun. then, it all started when i got to china town. to all artiste reading this, no offence. i'm sorry. its just really stressful for me to juggle so many things and i'm trying, but sometimes it get so hard and all the scolding and nagging doesn't make it any better.

fuck lah.. i'm bloody 19 and i don't have a life. imagine what everyone's thinking with me always leaving early..damn.....its so fustrating. today's rehearsal wasn't that good, i guess everyone had their reasons. damn...... even swearing doesn't make me feel better.normally bitching bout it all helps..but nah..not in this case. seriously, its like a kid who has a damn curfew. she doesn't sleep cause i'm not home, then she blames me. like WTF! its not my damn fault it ended later than expected... trainings are like this, so GET USED TO IT! bloody hell. uan, tensions are high, everyone's stressed, trying to get everything ready, yes, we're trying our hardest. made john wait for like 2 hours which was fuck. and when i rushed just to get home, what i get is yea, nagging. the last thing i needed to end my day, and i got truck loads of it. i mean, just because you're bloody tired doesn't mean i'm not. no one told you to stay up to wait! when i get home, u make a mountain out of a damn mole hill, which gets my dad's attention so yea, he'll get involved, so look! now i've got double the nag.. it's not as if i came back at 2am or crap, even 5 am. its only 10.45! u think you're the only one who knows what tired is.. you think you're the only damn person who's tired in this house.. well, you AND deisy. no one else... selfish, thats what she is. yet, she never stops to even try to think it through. fuck, i'm tired. i'm so tired of this shit that i have to go through. 19 mom! drill it into that thick skull of yours. its now or never. arg.... ok..my head's pounding...


to john- sorry about today, making you wait for so long, its never gonna happen again, PROMISE :)
to artistes- sorry for bailing on you guys all the time. we'll get through the musical..definitely. :)

i think i pulled a muscle again! hurts like hell now. just great stephanie, just when your ballet exam is next week. brilliant! haiz... okok..really tired today. applied for NTU today and SMU yesterday, so there! two universitys down and one more to go, and thats NUS. can't be bothered to do it tonight cause i'm too damn tired. never knew that applying for a uni was so damn exhausting. so much to do..essays and planning, blah blah blah..... urg! no choice though..with my grades, i have to apply for all the universitys. lol. aight, gonna go rest now. headache!!!

so i went out with baby today. original plan was to watch blood and chocolate but i think we got the day wrong..lol..so ended up not watching a movie. went to lavender with hopes of baby finally getting his shirt but they didn't have what he wanted so we left. oh yes, btw, thats a bloody hot place...literally..no way i'm going back there.. plus the stuff there were mostly for army people..so yup..no relevance whatsoever to me :) the weather's getting from bad to worse..its so frickin hot! hmmm..chilled in bugis awhile then went to bugis street to look for baby's stuff... then again, we realised the clothes there were mostly catered for girls..haha..poor thing...so in the end, went back empty handed. was supposed to go for musical rehearsal today but they cancelled last minute.. and when i say last minute i really mean like 45 minutes before the rehearsal.. but its ok..at leasy baby was there with me..wanted to buy donuts too but the queue was too long..so urg! no way i'm gonna stand there.lol. although they did look alot like crispy creme's donuts...meow.. :( *sobs* smelt really good too... danggit! i gotta stop bingeing!! more exercising and less eating..yes yes.. thats the plan..i think.


well, anyways, i THINK i got my uni thing RATHER planned out. so here goes :

NTU- 1) arts and social science-psychology( yes i'm serious.)
2) business
3) NIE?

NUS- 1) arts and social science
2) business school
3) science? (urg..maybe)

SMU- 1) arts and social science
2) business ( yes i know its impossible with my grades but its just for self satisfaction k)

there're like 5 choices for each uni and i only have like... 3 for each? well, not really interested in anything else..plus my shit grades only allow me to go this far..so yea..rough planning.

ahhhhhhh... went for the SMU open house today..damn...its really hard to get into the courses for business ... oh man.. haiz.. anyways..dropped by awhile only then followed pen and justin to bugis.. wanted to watch music and lyrics there, but.since there weren't any proper timings, baby and i went to the new cathay building to watch instead :) pen and justin stayed in bugis cause he had to go back to camp or something..

hmmm... i love that show! its romantic and funny:) my perfect type of movie. LOL.. official declaration.. its a really good movie.. i like the songs too..they're really catchy..baby downloaded the songs.lol.. he says 300 is really nice too.. maybe we'll go watch it..well, since he wants to watch it again... it gotta be good man! :) i'm so tired.. gotta stop going out ... my feet are killing me.. i swear i never learn.lol.. always tell myself not to use my heels out on a long day, but no, somehow i always end up in them. haiz... i'm broke too
:( gotta save up so guess i'll be staying home more..or at least have more meals at home.lol.

musical practice today.. or rather, a overview on everything. was informed at the last minute so had to rush down from the open houses.arg! we're gonna have practices like almost everyday now.. bleah.. but its ok..don't really wanna screw up on that day and embarrass myself now do i? oh yes, the open houses.... well, i think i know what i want already. something that i'd enjoy doing at least.. just hope they'll accept me with the pathetic grades that i have. haiz.. well, like i said, at least i know where my interest really lies in now plus all my doubts were cleared so yup.. thats good.... damn... i'm hungry.. CIAO! gotta get food :)



for some of us,
rocky roads ahead.
totally unsure of what to do or where to go.
a crossroad in life.
its my biggest obstacle to overcome yet.

well, on a much much happier note, musical is still on.. quite fickle minded.. but all's good cause its still on..i really do still want it to happen :) its for everyone's hard work too .. yup yup :) hmmm... tomorrow's the trip to the open houses for NTU and NUS.. i really pray to get into a university.. i really want to get my course... haiz.. well, i gotta start asking lady luck for help. :( ok ok... actually, i have to find my way to the uni first.. hmmm... freak! stupid NTU is like at the other end of Singapore . wtf! thats like super far. how the hell am i gonna make my way there.. plus, if i get admitted there, it'll be like some daily routine.. nvm nvm, safy, concentrate on getting INTO a uni first!! whahaha.. :p hmmmm, going for the SMU open house on sunday.. no choice cause NTU's open house is only on saturday. 3 universitys.... which one will accept me??!! please accept me..please???... meow.. i'll be good, promise! .. sounds damn despo... but SCREW IT! i'm desperate for that damn letter of acceptance.this is kinda pathetic, i know...haha but things'll get better, and not only the university thing.. everything! .. i just know it.. *crosses fingers and toes* :p

what a way to start the day. it was damn chaotic. running everywhere finding stuff that disappeared ages ago and like duh, the exact thing that i couldn't be bothered to keep properly... damn.. i really should start organising my stuff. totally forgot about the ballet exam rehearsal today..haha!! funny part is that i actually used the schedual for today as a rough piece of paper.. all crumpled and thrown into my bag.. ok..it was half torn too. lol. thank god it wasn't the actual exam day lah! *faints* think i'll just die on the spot.. THIS IS SO NOT MY YEAR!!! ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! meow..help... stupid rehearsal was at 11.30am and here i was nicely rolling around in bed at 9.30. wth. well, 2 hours early but, since its me we're talking about, i need to wake up at least 3 hours in advance! abit of madness there...but let me break it down... 1/2 hour to bathe(its not that long) , one hour to change and do up hair and make up(wait.. this can extend) , 1/2 hour to forty five minutes to dig out all my stuff and pack em. :) see?! 2 hours and 15 minutes just to prep up.. haiz.. sometimes i just amaze myself..yes yes, time flies. hmmm. anyway, managed to rush out in time, but still had to do the last minute preps in the taxi.. i'm so broke :) but since i just had my pay again today, i'm replenished for now. so yay to that. :) rehearsals from 11.30 till 1.30.. damn tiring.. my leg hurts now :( pointe shoes really do kill you.


went to meet the guys in raffles city after that. stoned there while they were looking for jobs.. too tired to do anything.. plus the thought of tuition after that, yea.. can really die. really bitchy me today... sorry guys :(

arg! those idiots went for the 4.40pm movie and abandoned me... asses.. lol.. but anyways, so i left and went to bishan.. crashed min's work place.. lucky me:) went there just in time for her break so had dinner with her, had a lil chit chat which was fun.. then i left for tuition.. brought it forward to 5.30pm cause yea.. was bored outside..plus, i was pretty tired so i decided to bring it earlier so it'll end earlier :) and again, the boy wasn't using his brains... i hate to spoon feed answers when he's not trying.. strange thing is i used to be like that..urg.. the worst thing to do is teach someone like yourself..don't ya think? lol..i wasn't that bad though :P yup.. k..thats all for today.. my legs are killing me!!!!

everything's just screwed now... A's results are horrible, musical's cancelled.... annoying people all around the place... whatever happened to peace and sanity. then again, whatever happened to my life? this is so not my year.... its annoying!

movie marathons!!!! yay :) yesterday was like OUR DAY!! it was just perfect.... watched death note which was kinda hard to understand..lol.. but we still got it in the end. so its aight. then we watched nacho libre! lol.. funny show?? hmmm..YES! then moving on, we watched BLACK KNIGHT. lol.. 2 comedies ...and 1 horror??? hmmm... don't think that death note really falls under that catagory.but anyway,we just had to see what the whole craze was about.. nothing much really... i think it was rather, erm, non-thrilling? as in.. yea, really! well, my opinion of it anyways. but i guess it was worth watching.. at least now i know what its all about. lol :p

hung out and relaxed with baby the whole night.. i felt really stress free. not thinking bout A level results and all... it just disappeared from my thoughts. the night made me really happy actually :) i love my baby loads.. <3 lets have more of these kind of nights :) but as for the binging?? lol..lets curb down abit k?? haha. but we'll still get ice cream!!!! bwhahaha.. so sinful... but heck! we'll just play more sports or something :)



TO THE ZOO LATER ON TODAY:) <3
i'm more worried bout mosquitos though.... haiz.. but its okay.. we're gonna visit his relatives. haha. :P

well, A level results were far from what i expected. really disappointing in fact. to the extent that its quite humiliating to even mention it.
continuously wondering what my next step will be.
pride that i just can't seem to put aside this time.
i really am lost now...nothing's going right for me anymore.
well, at least it can't get any worst now if thats any consolation.
its already hit rock bottom anyways.
its like all my dreams came crashing down on friday.
well, thats how i feel now.
kinda emotionless.. no mood to do anything...its like i can't face anyone now.
i really should pick myself up and move on... i know.
but, why is it so hard this time around i wonder...
i really do want to get into that course in a Uni.
i pray that things get better.
i feel mentally exhausted but i just can't keep my mind off this.
its worrying.
i hate comparing, but... its kinda demoralizing when i have to compete against people with 3As just to get into my dream course and school....
it sucks to have no choices at all..
its like having no power over what you want to do.
the feeling's so different from when i had the O level results.. at least there was something to celebrate about then.
after all i studied..... why these results... it feels so wrong.
i need to put my mind at ease.... but its not possible now.....
i can't seem to accept the fact that i screwed up... nothing's comforting to me....
i need to clear my mind...

A level results are tomorrow.. and somehow, i'm feeling...well, emotionless. i don't know why. don't know what it means either. wonder how i do.. what if i do badly, where will i go from there...how will i pick up from where i left off? how will i take the blow. haiz... so much to think about..."last meal" at marche or village tomorrow with john, min and car. we're so drama.. but yea... most probably ice cream after that to celebrate or drown our sorrows. either way, stress is the cause of bingeing. i swear, pre-results stress is getting me nowhere. its practically driving me up the wall. the weather doesn't help either... maybe it reflects the results...urg! rain................ rain rain go away, come again another day... tralalala...damn it... SAFY! get a hold of yourself....hmmm.see? pre-results stress is even making me talk to myself. k.i ought to stop here before i embarrass myself..bleah!

<
Safy.
fishay!!
squirrel?
5th April '88.
Aries.
Bball.
dance.
blur queen.
sucker for chocolates :p .